Thoughts

So, I finally got over being sick- it was more then a week long!!! I've just been taking it easy since then... well, actually since I got married... haha I haven't been sleeping well though- weird dreams! and then sometimes Gus can't sleep and stays up on the computer or ipod and that plays into my dreams... He is rather cute though when he does sleeps... I just want to hug and squeeze him! He doesn't know how much self control I had to exercise to just give him a light kiss instead! <3

This weekend one of my best friends moved to Idaho and left me... I hope she finds happiness and everything she wants there; she deserves it!

On the upside- we had General Conference this weekend and it was so good to hear the Prophets and Apostles speak and feel the Love of My Heavenly Father and older brother, Jesus Christ. I truly am sooo blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. I know I complain too much- I always see the negative in life, but I really do have a wonderful life with my Best Friend. He is so loving and always encouraging me. I really want to be a better person. I need to have more goals in life and be working towards them. I feel like I am stagnant right now- if not moving backwards in life. I feel like there is no purpose in my life and I know that I am not doing the things that would make my life better, but I just can't seem to make myself do the things I want to do. I feel like I am waisting so much time. I need help, but I don't know where to turn for help. Well, kind of. I know I need to turn to the Lord- read my scriptures, no I need to study my scriptures, pray more sincerely, serve more, etc, but I just have a hard time doing it, even while knowing that it will make me feel better- it is a cycle and when I do it, I will feel better, allowing me to be better and continue doing it, but how do I start?. I just wish I knew what my problem was. I want to be better, why can't I make myself do the things that will make me better? Instead I just get depressed that I'm not better and no one seems to understand. They just tell me to be better then if that is what I want. Luckily I have my best friend to hold me when the world seems to be turning upside down. I see what is out in the world and I know how blessed I am- I truly am! I have a roof over my head- albeit that it is my grandma's roof- but isn't that just another blessing? Because of Gus being here in the US on a student visa, he can't work a full time job- only on campus 20 hours a week- and I don't have a job, so we are fairly poor and can't afford an apartment. So, my grandma very graciously is letting us live with her- for free and also letting us use all her stuff- including food! We don't need to worry where our next meal will come from. Wow, what a blessing! I have a wonderful family who loves me more than anything and wants me to be my best! Gus and I have everything we need and even some things that we just want- and may consider a need... ;) Now if only we could figure out how to pay for Gus's schooling... he doesn't qualify for student grants or loans because he isn't a US citizen and we don't make enough to get a loan with out a co-signer... but so far, we are getting by with help from the Lord. (and no- being married to a US citizen doesn't make a difference until his visa status is changed.) I know that this help is at least partially because we have been paying our tithing- what a great blessing this commandment is! That was another thing addressed in conference - how the commandments are not restrictions to stop you, but protection to help you. It really is true! Now the sad part here- realizing how blessed I am, only makes me more sad that I am not happier since I am truly so blessed. What do I do? I don't know what to do.

Well, sorry for my rambling, I hope it at least made some sense. I know things will work out- somehow sometime. God loves me and will not leave me!